Thoughts

I don't know if people still read this but I just wanted a place to get down my thoughts. Now that I'm done with it, let me point out there's no real organization to this, it's just me rambling on.

I no longer want to play FFXI.

That is to say, I no longer wish to have a desire to play FFXI. But wishing and wanting isn't enough. You can't just stop doing something that you've been experiencing and enjoying regularly for the past 3-4 years just like that. But I really need to get away from this game.

Game.

I keep telling myself it's just a game, you can move on. But then again it's not just a game, it's a service, it's a world, it's a community. Anyone who refers to FFXI as merely a game is usually missing the point. But furthermore, it's an addiction, one I need to get away from.

Addiction.

Changes have been made in life as of recently that allow me to rely less on FFXI as a form of entertainment. Coupled by the fact that I also want to do much better in school this coming semester, I need to break the addiction. The changes that have occurred have allowed me to stay away from FFXI as of late however that desire is still there. Everytime I go to a website, read a blog, watch a video, or come into contact remotely related to FFXI.. that desire surfaces. Sure I could stop viewing FFXI related content but I don't want to cut off all contact, I just don't want to play.

It's so hard to move away from, just thinking of all the memories I've had. All the friends I've made, the friends who I know are still there and still play. The friends who I know would be happy to see me if I ever returned. It's a second reality, that for a long time, took the place of having to deal with the real world. Not that what's going on in the real world is a bad in any way, shape or form at the moment for me, it's just different. Something I've never really experienced before. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, but I'm not sure if that means I want a life without FFXI.

Play casually? That's not possible. There is absolutely no way I can play FFXI without being hooked and wanting to play more. Even when I tell myself I want to stop, I can end up playing into the late hours of the night and into the next day. The game just has that much of a hold on me at times.

I'm not going to say I'm quitting, cause I don't know if I am, if I'm gonna want to come back like I have in the past. For all I know this could just be some extended break, things in the real world may not work out, I could be back, and I want to leave that possibility open. This leads you to think how can I want to move on and wish to have no desire to play yet want to leave an option open for doing just that? If everything works out, I'll be able to completely let go of the game, if it doesn't, FFXI will always be my fallback reality.

I want to log on right now, see everyone in the MoogleArmy. I want to know what's going on, what people have accomplished, see what events were planned for the night. All of that just makes me smile, even something simple as someone saying they've levelled. I love seeing people progress, and helping them progress. I love that out of all the linkshells people could be in, they choose to be in this one, MoogleArmy, they help make it the large and active community it is today. Every one of them, even if they're not the most talkative of people or participate much, just their presence in the shell increases our memberbase, gets one more blue pearl out there, and contributes to our large community of members. The very least I can do is listen to what our members do, and I always get a great feeling of enjoyment hearing their accomplishments. Some people tend to think when I respond with my congrats and all rights and smileys I'm just doing it to be nice. Honestly though, when it comes to this, that couldn't be further from the truth.

I do hope in my time away from the game MA continues to be a strong and active shell. I trust all of the current sackholders to stay true to the shell and not abuse their powers and keep us in one piece. You know, I always thought Coldwind would make an excellent leader of MA, he should be encouraged to step up and take charge since I won't be around. He's very loyal, very helpful, very trusting, very unbiased toward anyone, and the among the nicest people I've ever met on FFXI. If anyone could lead a shell like MA, it's him. Then there's Jean, who is a good friend of mine, but not exactly leadership material (sorry Jean).

Lots more to write about but I'll stop for now, probably enough of a boring read as it is.